What I've learned from my disdain for 'positive people'
Lately I have been contemplating why positive people make me
angry. I know you are probably wondering
how in the world could a positive person make you angry? Well they do.
In my experience I have had times in my life where things
were very tough, my heart was breaking, my burdens were heavy and I really
needed someone to 'sit with me' and just understand that I needed to
grieve. All too often these
perpetually positive people say insensitive things and seem to have no concept
of suffering. I have had the heart
wrenching suffering of infertility dismissed as something meaningless and not
worthy of the heartache I feel inside by these 'well meaning' but severely
misguided positive people. I have seen
the suffering of others so easily dismissed and the idea presented that we
should 'just be happy' or 'find joy in the journey.' These individuals do not understand the
nature of life and the cycle that we all must pass through that we may
learn. We cannot know joy if we do not
experience sorrow, sorrow is a necessary part of life. It isn't about choosing to be happy when someone
just lost a child to tragedy, just found out a spouse has been unfaithful, has
been the victim of physical or sexual abuse, has just lost their home or
job. It is beyond my understanding that
anyone would suggest these people choose happiness in this moment, but they do!
These ideas of finding happiness have their place, however,
dismissing the reality that there IS suffering
in this world is not helping anyone.
Finding happiness or 'Joy in the journey' is a process, not a
constant. When someone suffers the loss
of a child or the loss of a dear loved
one, there is grief, there is pain, there is sorrow, there is emptiness! These feelings are natural and there is
NOTHING wrong with feeling them! They
should not be dismissed, belittled, or told that they are wrong for
suffering. There is a journey ahead as they work through
the grief, pain, and loss. Yes, there
is a choice to find joy in life, but happiness and joy are not guaranteed to be
our constant companion. We do not live
in a perfect world, we live amongst turmoil,
we live in an imperfect world that often brings struggle, grief, pain,
loss and difficulty.
I have learned through my own struggles of grief and loss
that it takes time to heal.....when tragedy strikes this is not the time that
we just 'choose to be happy.' We will
grieve, we must grieve....we need others to 'bear our burdens' with us, we need
friends who supply comfort, love, and understanding.... These perpetually positive people seem to
have an unrealistic expectation that life is about abounding happiness and joy
if we simply 'choose it.' This is false.
As time passes after a tragedy strikes in our lives, we may
find moments of happiness, a friend brings by flowers and expresses their love
and concern and in that moment, a smile breaks and we feel joy from their love
and compassion....but later that day, the weight of the trial may once again
weigh heavy on our heart and in that moment...pain replaces the joy. This is the cycle of life, the cycle of
'finding joy,' in fact we should more
appropriately say seeking joy. We
may not feel it now but we seek to find it even in the darkest hour. We may seek to find even a fleeting moment of
joy, in our greatest tragedy we may find
joy in the arms of a loved one who has come to comfort us. This doesn't mean we don't feel pain, it just
means that in that moment we sought even a glimpse of the joy we seek and for a
moment we felt it amongst the grief.....
This is okay and MUST happen as part of our process in recovery. As months pass we may find more happy times,
a family vacation, or a pay increase at work, the 'finding joy' is choosing to
SEE these little miracles in our lives. It
doesn't mean there is no pain, it simply means that we choose to still see the
good amongst our suffering. We are able
to find joy amongst our still suffering and pain filled heart. This is the REAL journey....
Even as we seek this joy, there will be days we simply
cannot find it. There will be days we
feel hopeless, that we may never find happiness again. These dark days will find us and this too is
okay. Those dark days will come, tragedy
will strike, and the truth is.....we don't have the strength to find joy in
them. It is a fallacy that God will not
burden you with more than you can bear.
He WILL, how can I say that?
Because if you alone were strong enough to get through it all yourself
you would have no need of God in your life.
It would be more appropriately said that God will never give you more
than HE can get you through. Our
strength comes from Him and we need him, this is another part of our struggles,
that we may see God's miracles in our lives amongst the suffering, that we may
feel His healing in our hearts.
There are days I complain about living in Utah, there are
days I honestly don't like it. When it
is cold outside and I struggle to keep warm as my metabolism is very low and my
body struggles to keep itself warm I really dislike living in a cold
climate. It is okay that I do not like
something, it is okay that I don't like certain aspects of my life. Life isn't perfect. Life isn't about ALWAYS being happy. That is a myth, no one will ever always be
happy. Despite the fact that I dislike
the climate in Utah, there are also days that we go have a picnic in the
beautiful mountains by a lovely river and on those days I marvel at the beauty
that surrounds me and I am grateful for the beauty that Utah has to offer. This is the ebb and flow of life...there are
days we don't like, there are things we don't like...that is okay, it is normal
to dislike things.
I don't like that there is suffering in the world, I don't
like skiing [probably because I am no good at it], there are some styles of
cars that I don't like, I don't like
central Utah I think it is ugly, there are many things that I don't like and
that is okay, it is part of what makes me who I am, what makes me unique. I wouldn't be who I am if I just liked
everything! Some people like spicy food,
some people don't. All of those likes and
dislikes are what make us who we are and we should embrace ALL of it. There is a difference between being a
negative person who simply chooses to 'hate everything' and being a happy
person who knows what they like and what they don't.
I have learned that life NEVER turns out the way you plan. There will always be disappointment and maybe
even some sorrow over dreams that were never realized. Life is not always about 'getting everything
you want' but more about learning what needs to be learned. I learned this lesson one day when one of my
children wanted something and I said 'no.'
My child was upset because he did not get what he wanted, but as the
parent I knew that what he wanted would not have been good for him. And so it is with life that at times there
are things we desperately want, but we never receive, we must realize that
those lost hopes and dreams are things that would not have been good for
us.
Even when we do understand this, there will
still be a sense of loss and that is okay, yes we will have days of
discouragement.....but if we do not know discouragement how can we truly find the joy of accomplishment. Without feeling sorrow and truly knowing it
we cannot feel the full measure of happiness.
It is these opposites that we learn from. I do not believe it is ever appropriate to
dismiss the suffering that any individual feels....the feelings are real and
there is nothing wrong with them. It
isn't always about a 'choice' to just be happy.
Something's in life are simply NOT happy and we have no business
suggesting that happiness should come from them.
In the wake of tragedies like 9-11 or the Boston bombings I
find it preposterous at the suggestion that a grieving family should 'choose
happiness' as they hear the news of a lost loved one, or wake up to the reality
that they have lost a limb in the tragedy.
There is not a 'choice to be happy' in that moment, there is grief and
loss and that is the feeling in that moment.
There is a journey to recovery, there will be moments of peace but there
will be moments of grief too. The
'choice to be happy' is an end goal, not a constant. It means that despite all the struggle and
trials in life that we continue to press forward and to seek to find peace.....
in its time. This is the choice, to press forward, to be open to seeing the
miracles in our lives, to see the strength that God gives us to press on, and
to see the joy in life through our sorrow.
There will be days of joy and celebration, but there will also be days
of sorrow and struggle. When we see
tragedies on t.v. that happen across the world, we may hear of stories that
warm our hearts. In the midst of a
tragedy a hero emerges, maybe he or she ran to the aid of an individual who may
have otherwise died without his or her assistance. Those who learn to 'seek joy' will feel the joy and warmth of that story
amongst the tragedy, this doesn't mean that they will disregard the tragedy or
suffering, it just means they were open to seeing the good too.
We seek for joy and happiness even though it will never be
our constant companion in this life, we seek it. Let those who suffer handle their suffering
in the way that THEY need to. They will
have days when they can't find joy, they can't see that they will ever be happy
again...this is okay, it is part of their journey and we must let them be. These emotions are real, these thoughts are
theirs and we must honor them where they are.
We should never suggest that someone like something they don't, be happy
when they aren't or ever ignore THEIR reality.
We are here to serve, to help support them and merely offer our
love. Instead of telling them to just
'choose to be happy' DO SOMETHING! Make
yourself useful to lighten their burden.
It is the hypocrite and the cold-hearted who ignore suffering and tell
another person NOT to suffer. It is not
your judgment to make. Clean the house,
bring flowers, offer to care for their children, bring them a hot meal, make
yourself useful and quit pointing your 'positive finger' at everyone around
you.
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