What I have learned from my Disdain for Positive People!

What I've learned from my disdain for 'positive people'

Lately I have been contemplating why positive people make me angry.  I know you are probably wondering how in the world could a positive person make you angry?  Well they do.

In my experience I have had times in my life where things were very tough, my heart was breaking, my burdens were heavy and I really needed someone to 'sit with me' and just understand that I needed to grieve.    All too often these perpetually positive people say insensitive things and seem to have no concept of suffering.  I have had the heart wrenching suffering of infertility dismissed as something meaningless and not worthy of the heartache I feel inside by these 'well meaning' but severely misguided positive people.    I have seen the suffering of others so easily dismissed and the idea presented that we should 'just be happy' or 'find joy in the journey.'  These individuals do not understand the nature of life and the cycle that we all must pass through that we may learn.  We cannot know joy if we do not experience sorrow, sorrow is a necessary part of life.  It isn't about choosing to be happy when someone just lost a child to tragedy, just found out a spouse has been unfaithful, has been the victim of physical or sexual abuse, has just lost their home or job.   It is beyond my understanding that anyone would suggest these people choose happiness in this moment, but they do!

These ideas of finding happiness have their place, however, dismissing the reality that there IS suffering in this world is not helping anyone.   Finding happiness or 'Joy in the journey' is a process, not a constant.  When someone suffers the loss of a child or the loss of a dear loved  one, there is grief, there is pain, there is sorrow, there is emptiness!  These feelings are natural and there is NOTHING wrong with feeling them!  They should not be dismissed, belittled, or told that they are wrong for suffering.   There is a journey ahead as they work through the grief, pain, and loss.   Yes, there is a choice to find joy in life, but happiness and joy are not guaranteed to be our constant companion.   We do not live in a perfect world, we live amongst turmoil,  we live in an imperfect world that often brings struggle, grief, pain, loss and difficulty.  

I have learned through my own struggles of grief and loss that it takes time to heal.....when tragedy strikes this is not the time that we just 'choose to be happy.'   We will grieve, we must grieve....we need others to 'bear our burdens' with us, we need friends who supply comfort, love, and understanding....   These perpetually positive people seem to have an unrealistic expectation that life is about abounding happiness and joy if we simply 'choose it.'  This is false.

As time passes after a tragedy strikes in our lives, we may find moments of happiness, a friend brings by flowers and expresses their love and concern and in that moment, a smile breaks and we feel joy from their love and compassion....but later that day, the weight of the trial may once again weigh heavy on our heart and in that moment...pain replaces the joy.  This is the cycle of life, the cycle of 'finding joy,'  in fact we should more appropriately say seeking joy.  We may not feel it now but we seek to find it even in the darkest hour.  We may seek to find even a fleeting moment of joy,  in our greatest tragedy we may find joy in the arms of a loved one who has come to comfort us.  This doesn't mean we don't feel pain, it just means that in that moment we sought even a glimpse of the joy we seek and for a moment we felt it amongst the grief.....  This is okay and MUST happen as part of our process in recovery.  As months pass we may find more happy times, a family vacation, or a pay increase at work, the 'finding joy' is choosing to SEE these little miracles in our lives.  It doesn't mean there is no pain, it simply means that we choose to still see the good amongst our suffering.  We are able to find joy amongst our still suffering and pain filled heart.  This is the REAL journey....

Even as we seek this joy, there will be days we simply cannot find it.  There will be days we feel hopeless, that we may never find happiness again.  These dark days will find us and this too is okay.  Those dark days will come, tragedy will strike, and the truth is.....we don't have the strength to find joy in them.   It is a fallacy that God will not burden you with more than you can bear.  He WILL, how can I say that?  Because if you alone were strong enough to get through it all yourself you would have no need of God in your life.  It would be more appropriately said that God will never give you more than HE can get you through.  Our strength comes from Him and we need him, this is another part of our struggles, that we may see God's miracles in our lives amongst the suffering, that we may feel His healing in our hearts. 

There are days I complain about living in Utah, there are days I honestly don't like it.  When it is cold outside and I struggle to keep warm as my metabolism is very low and my body struggles to keep itself warm I really dislike living in a cold climate.  It is okay that I do not like something, it is okay that I don't like certain aspects of my life.  Life isn't perfect.   Life isn't about ALWAYS being happy.  That is a myth, no one will ever always be happy.    Despite the fact that I dislike the climate in Utah, there are also days that we go have a picnic in the beautiful mountains by a lovely river and on those days I marvel at the beauty that surrounds me and I am grateful for the beauty that Utah has to offer.  This is the ebb and flow of life...there are days we don't like, there are things we don't like...that is okay, it is normal to dislike things.

I don't like that there is suffering in the world, I don't like skiing [probably because I am no good at it], there are some styles of cars that I don't like,  I don't like central Utah I think it is ugly, there are many things that I don't like and that is okay, it is part of what makes me who I am, what makes me unique.  I wouldn't be who I am if I just liked everything!  Some people like spicy food, some people don't.   All of those likes and dislikes are what make us who we are and we should embrace ALL of it.  There is a difference between being a negative person who simply chooses to 'hate everything' and being a happy person who knows what they like and what they don't.

I have learned that life NEVER turns out the way you plan.  There will always be disappointment and maybe even some sorrow over dreams that were never realized.  Life is not always about 'getting everything you want' but more about learning what needs to be learned.  I learned this lesson one day when one of my children wanted something and I said 'no.'  My child was upset because he did not get what he wanted, but as the parent I knew that what he wanted would not have been good for him.  And so it is with life that at times there are things we desperately want, but we never receive, we must realize that those lost hopes and dreams are things that would not have been good for us. 

   Even when we do understand this, there will still be a sense of loss and that is okay, yes we will have days of discouragement.....but if we do not know discouragement how can we truly find  the joy of accomplishment.  Without feeling sorrow and truly knowing it we cannot feel the full measure of happiness.  It is these opposites that we learn from.  I do not believe it is ever appropriate to dismiss the suffering that any individual feels....the feelings are real and there is nothing wrong with them.  It isn't always about a 'choice' to just be happy.  Something's in life are simply NOT happy and we have no business suggesting that happiness should come from them.

In the wake of tragedies like 9-11 or the Boston bombings I find it preposterous at the suggestion that a grieving family should 'choose happiness' as they hear the news of a lost loved one, or wake up to the reality that they have lost a limb in the tragedy.  There is not a 'choice to be happy' in that moment, there is grief and loss and that is the feeling in that moment.  There is a journey to recovery, there will be moments of peace but there will be moments of grief too.  The 'choice to be happy' is an end goal, not a constant.   It means that despite all the struggle and trials in life that we continue to press forward and to seek to find peace..... in its time.  This is the choice,  to press forward, to be open to seeing the miracles in our lives, to see the strength that God gives us to press on, and to see the joy in life through our sorrow.  There will be days of joy and celebration, but there will also be days of sorrow and struggle.  When we see tragedies on t.v. that happen across the world, we may hear of stories that warm our hearts.  In the midst of a tragedy a hero emerges, maybe he or she ran to the aid of an individual who may have otherwise died without his or her assistance.  Those who learn to 'seek joy'  will feel the joy and warmth of that story amongst the tragedy, this doesn't mean that they will disregard the tragedy or suffering, it just means they were open to seeing the good too. 

We seek for joy and happiness even though it will never be our constant companion in this life, we seek it.  Let those who suffer handle their suffering in the way that THEY need to.  They will have days when they can't find joy, they can't see that they will ever be happy again...this is okay, it is part of their journey and we must let them be.  These emotions are real, these thoughts are theirs and we must honor them where they are.  We should never suggest that someone like something they don't, be happy when they aren't or ever ignore THEIR reality.  We are here to serve, to help support them and merely offer our love.  Instead of telling them to just 'choose to be happy' DO SOMETHING!  Make yourself useful to lighten their burden.  It is the hypocrite and the cold-hearted who ignore suffering and tell another person NOT to suffer.  It is not your judgment to make.  Clean the house, bring flowers, offer to care for their children, bring them a hot meal, make yourself useful and quit pointing your 'positive finger' at everyone around you. 

The opposition of joy and suffering is the nature of this life and it cannot and will not change.  Striving to ignore the existence of suffering and suggesting that someone should like everything and be happy all the time is to ignore humanity, to ignore YOUR part in relieving suffering, and to ignore reality itself


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Long time without blogging

Family Update

Well, we took a trip to Zion for our 14 year wedding anniversary.  It was AMAZING to get out of the snow and into warm weather!!  I realized that I really do not enjoy cold weather or any cold weather outdoors activities.  I went skiing for the first time at 8 years old and even at 16 I was still a danger to myself and everyone else on the slopes!!!!



I went skiing when Dave and I were dating, just to be with him but now that we are married......No more suffering through skiing for me.

Snow mobiling might be fun but four wheeling in warm weather is WAY BETTER in my book. 

My biggest problem with cold weather is I cannot get warm once I've gotten chilled.  People think I'm making it up, exaggerating or what not.  NOPE!!  I really honestly and truly can't get warm.  Ask Dave who has to sleep with my cold nose, butt and feet!!

My slow metabolism is not designed for cold weather.......

If I had even a dime to my name I'd move......well we might be moving anyway when Dave's paycheck shrivels up to practically nothing.

Zion Was the Highlight of the last year!!

After losing our cars and being stuck ALL winter long in the house day in and day out with no mode of transportation our vacation to Zion was certainly a miraculous tender mercy.  Just when I thought I was going to completely fall apart, we had a marvelous time in the warm sunshine.

It boosted my spirits and gave me hope that someday, somehow things might get better.

As Dave's paychecks continue to shrink and life closes in on me I try to think of the warm days ahead and our beautiful garden, running in the mountains and maybe a bit of peace amongst the difficulties we face everyday.

Bye, Bye Beeper....Hello Blueberry

We have this habit of naming our cars......

Our

Acura was Beauty, the BIG Dodge Ram 3500 was Beast

Then when we lost the cars, Dave's parents were gracious enough to help us get a car so Dave could still work.  We were so grateful for their kindness and generosity.  So, next came our Dodge Neon.

We bought the car for Trade in value so how can you turn down that.  It was nice outside and inside......well except for under the hood....UGH!

The car was WIMPY.....and had this little squeaky horn that you could barely hear so it was named

Beeper

Well, unfortunately about 8 months after we bought beeper it needed more repairs than we could afford, well, that's not saying much being that I believe we may have had $20 to our name at the time.  It needed more costly repairs than we bought the car for so.....bye  bye beeper!

Dave Sold Beeper and Bought Blueberry without me even knowing about either!!!

Luckily I am far beyond getting angry these days, life is bad enough just getting out of bed so I just shrugged my shoulders and said...just don't do that again.

Hence we end up with the car K named Blueberry.

What can I say about blueberry.....hmmm.......

• It has more dents than not
• It has a lot of rust
• The inside of the roof of the car is ripped to shreds
• It smells like smoke

Honestly, the care being ugly isn't what bothers me, I dont' mind driving around an old falling apart car.  The problem:  It needed a starter, struts, and a bunch of other stuff I have no idea what it is.  So we sold a lemon for a lemon. 

The man who bought Beeper from us was a mechanic, knew every last thing that was wrong with it and didn't care.  We had no idea we were buying a total lemon.  We fixed what we could and it runs so that's all we care about at the moment.  It's a lot of stress to drive an old car.  It's hard not to have the money to buy a nice car and not have the money to fix an old one either!!

This is what it looked like outside on April 3rd.....and then again on April 26th



I'm tired of the snow......... So are the kids!

They stopped playing outside in the snow in january.

Knitting to pass the time while living in Frozen Tundra Winter Frightland

I knitted these pants for K!  She wears them every, single day.  They are comfortable but they are wearing out fast. 

Well, that is a short run down of life over the last several months.  Nothing too exciting.  Most of our adventures end up being figuring out what bills to pay, if we have enough gas to get to my mom's for a visit, avoiding paying for some things so Dave can pay for gas to get to work.  I just try to think of it as an adventure and laugh...otherwise.....I'd cry.

The Beautiful Valley We Live In.....

Home Sweet Home

I

 In the past couple of years I have learned not to 'plan' on anything!  With all of the moving from one place to another, changes in plans etc.... I have learned that the Lord has his own plan for our lives and so the best we can do is enjoy where we are at the moment because you never know what might be in store for you tommorrow.   For now we are loving where we are.........

  This is a photo taken not too far from our house overlooking the valley.  You can see the mountains in the background and a little bit of the valley below.  I didn't get a shot of Mts. which are so beautiful and HUGE!!

You can see why we feel so much peace here, it is beautiful and it is like taking a step back in time.  The people wave as you drive by, we received a lot of chocolate and treats from all the neighbors when we moved in.

The best part of townis the store in town, it is the ONLY thing in town!!  No gas station, no grocery stores, just Jose's store. 

We can walk to the store in town from our house, Jose is a very sweet old  man that runs the local store.  He even brought in soymilk for us, so we go there to pick up batteries or soymilk or a few necessities and then visit with Jose.  

It reminds me of simpler times when people were friendly, genuinely cared about each other and we didn't have to worry so much about all the evil in the world.

T

The kids love it here too!  There is a lot of room for them to run around on a full acre of property, its not as much as we'd like but it sure beats the postage stamp lots in neighborhoods where everyone is crammed in and ornery!

When we moved to Virginia I thought it was just the snotty Virginia people, then I realized........it wasn't!!!

Live in a neighborhood anywhere in America and it's all about the same, people have completely lost all sense of anyone other than themselves.

  

Maybe the world isn't perfect but we can still find small areas where old fashioned values and charity are not completely lost........

Easter in the SNOW!!

Easter Snow!!

Here is C. finding an Easter egg on the tractor in the yard.  Yes, we had snow this year in April!  I swore I'd never want to move to a cold climate EVER again and yet here I am freezing my can off!

The kids enjoyed the Easter egg hunt despite the freezing temps and snow.

K. is finding an egg in the bird house in the backyard.  I was of course in the house staying warm by the fire :-D

C. is our big ham, he is cheesing it for the camera.  We bought them a few eggs with a bit of candy and unfortunately I got into a couple pieces of it.  I've always found candy to be WAY too sweet but chocolate has been calling my name lately.

Yes, you see Dave's triathlon bike in the background, it comes with the territory of being married to a triathlon maniac.  I will forever have bikes, helmets, swim trainers and all manner of workout crap in my living room.....sigh

K. is enjoying the candy inside the easter eggs.  All in all it was an enjoyable day, the warm fire kept me from having a major fit that it is STILL cold.  In Tennesee it was in the 60's in February and the kids were outside playing in shorts but here we still have snow in April...UGH!

I know, everyone talks about the great skiing, yes, very true for those who actually ski.  Me however, I am just one big hazard on the slopes.  I've been skiing since I was eight years old and still haven't graduated from the bunny hill yet.  Me and snow just do not mix and that's that, however I am a HUGE fire lover so I've been focusing on all the wonderful fires we've been able to build in our two woodburning fireplace....that is a perk.

We cannot leave the dogs out of it so here is Toby enjoying the snow on Easter.  He was hopping around while the kids were gathering their Easter eggs.  You gotta love the little guy, he's so darn cute.  It's good that he's cute because he is a pain in the neck.  He thinks he owns the couch, if you sit on it.....watch out because within seconds you will have Toby proudly sitting on your lap or better yet sitting above your head sniffing your hair.  He runs the house!  Who knows where Katie was at this point, probably hiding from Toby because he has been after her lately...UGH....boys!

For some odd reason the kids insist on running out in the snow in their shorts and tank tops!  While they were being crazy I was making my world famous hot chocolate and staying warm by the fire.

The kids decided to dress crazy, gotta love that creativity!

On the Homeschool Front...

We just finished reading Anne of Green Gables and watched the entire movie!  The kids thoroughly enjoyed the movie and we are now on to the next book in the series...

K. has been working on her long division.....she complains and so do I...YUCK!

C. is sitting here at this very moment begging to do his spelling

I better go help him, can't complain when they ask to do homework......

Moving Again!

We're Moving Again.......

We are moving again.....! We have been through a lot this past year, on Feb. 14th 2009 we left Walland, Tennesee. I swore to Dave that I would not leave Tennessee unless an angel came down from Heaven and told me I had to go......well needless to say an angel did not come down from Heaven, but, as I knelt in prayer the Lord let me know in no uncertain terms that we needed to come back. So, we packed up that day and headed home, unbeknownst to our families.



We arrived here the end of March 2009. We lived in a camping trailer for 6 weeks, it was hard, very hard. Living in a camping trailer was actually not too bad but the campground manager was a nightmare! We took a leap of faith and rented a home, not knowing how we would pay for it, but felt that the Lord would bless us.



We opened Nucea in May and had the grand opening in July 2009. Dave worked hard passing out flyers, sending out advertisements in newspapers, knocking on business doors, doing presentations to businesses but alas we could not make enough money to financially support ourselves.

Becoming a Student Midwife

I started apprenticing as a student midwife in Sept. 2009. I've known for years that the Lord has called me to this amazing calling in life and brought me here to finish this education. I know some family members do not understand what being a midwife really is, but I am doing what the Lord wants me to do and I guess that is all I need to know.


I feel honored to have attended 10 births. It is amazing to feel the spirit so strong when I new little child of God enters this world in the hands of midwives who have prayed over this mother and child and who honor womanhood the way God intended it to be honored.


As a midwife we honor the power of creation that God has given women, we honor the women we attend. I wish more women saw how beautiful birth is, our society has destroyed the honor of birth. Birth is now something a woman must be 'delivered' from. I feel so blessed to be able to have a glimpse into the amazing power of women. I feel so blessed to care for women who know who they are, who recognize the gift God has given them and to feel the spirit so strong when each precious child of God enters this world surrounded but those who honor instead of fear their entrance into the world. Birth is as safe as life gets!


There are no guarantees in life, if we lived in fear of everything we couldn't leave our home for fear of something happening. Life is about having faith, not about fear and birth is no different. It is an amazing, spiritual experience when allowed to be. I wish more of us had more confidence in the power of the preisthood, more faith in the power of women and birth and less confidence in the arm of man and medicine. If we had more faith we would see more true miracles.


Enough of my midwifery ramblings for now and back to moving.....

The living room, I know it is cluttered with boxes but the home is so cozy and we just love it. The first day we spent there unpacking I didn't want to come back.

Living here in this neighborhood has been very painful for us. After a year of living here not a single soul here knows us, no one has said goodbye to us. We have struggled with every encounter we have had in this ward. I've never seen more pride in my life, but I can say I am glad the Lord has provided a way for us to move to a loving ward. We LOVE our new ward, we have been attending that ward and almost felt like movie stars the first time we attended, that is what the Lord desires of his people! We couldn' t be happier.

K's room, it is full of boxes but you can see what it looks like. The woman we are renting the home from brought those curtains for K's room when she found out that K's favorite color was purple. When we arrived to pick up the keys she had already put up the curtains for us. It brought tears to my eyes, she hardly knew us but she was so sweet that she wanted to make the kids feel at home. Some people may only think of how far a home is from the nearest shopping center, but when you understand that life is about PEOPLE not shopping you realize that what matters most is the people you surround yourself with it doesn't matter how long it takes you to drive to the store!!

I will post more photos later, I'm off to do prenatal appointments.....

Christmas Time

Our Family Picture

Lori did a great job taking family pictures for us! We really needed a new one.

The Holidays

I never thought I'd say it, but this year I have missed Virginia. I realized that people are difficult to deal with no matter where you go. We had a great time last Christmas. My parents came to visit and we showed them all around D.C. it was great!!

This was our Thanksgiving Dinner party, just the fam. I learned last year in Virginia that I like to have peaceful, enjoyable Thanksgiving dinners. It is easier when my eating habits do not become the main topic of discussion over the dinner table at Thanksgiving. I'd rather eat in peace.......so we decided to eat at home and then go to visit family for dessert. I think it worked out great.


We did have one uncomfortable situation of ridiculous comments on our diet at dessert but atleast I had a peaceful dinner. Why can't people just leave well enough alone?

Delicous Lattice Apple Pie

I took this to dessert, it was HEAVENLY!! Of course no one in D's family will touch my food. So we had a lot left, I took it to my mom's so it wouldn't sit around the house taunting me and tempting me to eat it and gain 5 lbs. and then proceed to fling myself off a building.
My mom wasn't too appreciative of having it at her house either, but better someone else gain the weight from eating it than me.

D's family will probably never try any of my food, but looking at things on the bright side.....more for me!

Our Beautiful Thanksgiving Dinner

I made homemade tofurkey, I don't like meat substitutes at all , they are creepy. But for Thanksgiving I always make some for the fam. We also had homemade stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, candied yams, fresh rolls and chocolate pie as well as apple pie.
The meal was fabulous!!




The kids really enjoyed Thanksgiving. Daddy bought them some fancy rootbeer from The Good Earth and they LOVED it!
We first tasted this stuff at our favorite restaurant in SLC, Sage's. It is really good. Not necessarily something I would let them have regularly but it was a great Thanksgiving day treat.





Here is our KING Toby. Now I know why they call them Cavalier KING Charles, because they literally think they are the king. He usually finds a nice pillow to lay on, well after he tore his cruciate ligament and had to rest for awhile he found that they laundry basket was the most comfortable place to rest, and now he only gets out to eat and go potty.

Silly puppy LOVES laying around all day! However if I sit on the couch with a pillow in my lap, he will still jump up and lay on the pillow as usual. The world would be a lonely boring place without companion animals to brighten your day and make you laugh sometimes! Except for when they steal food off the counter!

I am excited for Christmas, things are really tight for us right now but I realize that Christmas means so much more than presents! We may be moving AGAIN right after the holidays depending on whether enough money comes in to pay rent, but we know it is in the Lord's hands and we just have to have faith that whatever happens is His will.

Living in Here in a neighborhood

The kids are growing up so fast, K just turned 10 years old!! We have been living here for the past 6 months. The one positive thing I can say about living here is.....I have been reminded why I swore I would never move back to here ever again. I realize that what we ran into in Virginia is more pervasive than I thought.

We must have been pretty sheltered in Heber because it seems outside the down to earth small town living people are kind of 'uppity' as a nice way of putting it.

C & Daddy go to a BYU football game

The boys went to the football game and we had girls night out. We went to the park, had a picnic and then came home and did make-overs and painted our fingernails and toenails.

I got called out to a birth that night at 11:30 pm and got home at 7am the next morning. Luckily we were able to finish our girls night out before I got called to the birth. I have been working as a doula and apprenticing with a midwife. I am working toward becoming a certified professional midwife.

D and A opened a Health and Fitness Club called Nucea

Nucea has a medical clinic and a fitness center.

Da coordinates the marketing, offers personal training and is the office manager

Obviously A provides the medical services. Nucea was on Channel 2, 4 and 5 news. I only wish that being on the news that many times would actually increase business.

Opening a business has really tried our faith, we have had to rely solely on the Lord as we watched every last penny we had fade away. It gets a little scary when you have $35 in your bank account, no money coming in and bills to pay. Somehow things have worked out so far, we have paid our tithing and prayed that somehow it will work out. We don't know why the Lord wanted us to come back to Utah but we have faith that he will provide for us.

This is the weight room in the fitness center. The facility is really nice, we remodeled the whole building with every last penny we had in the bank. We also sold our trailer to make payments.

Looking on the bright side, if we run out of money, we get to move out of C.H., YAY!! I would rejoice at that even if it was because we had no money.